I’m waiting to cross Hollywood Boulevard. Even though it’s a residential area cars are moving real fast. As I wait for the light to change, I position myself so that a telephone pole is between me and traffic. Bouncing off the hood of a Hummer like a rag doll is not how I want to make my Youtube debut.

The universe bends to my twisted will as I hear the loud screeching of tires on asphalt. A black Beamer skidding sideways comes to a halt right in front of me, right next to the pole. A girl jumps out of the car and runs towards me screaming—Do you have a cell phone!!? I need to use your cell phone!! Please…!!

I see a blur of high heels, miniskirt and a tight T-shirt. She’s hot – in a mindless pop culture sort of way. 

I stick to the script and ask:
Are you OK? What’s the matter?

She says:
Can I use your cell phone? Please. I lost my phone.

Sure. What happened?

I lost my cell phone. I need to call my cell phone. I think it’s in my car somewhere.

Right.

I hand her my phone. She dials, hands it back to me, then flings open the passenger door and frantically roots around under the seat. I’m now looking at, what is aesthetically, a very nice bare ass. I can see where her G-string widens tight around the contoured cleft that is her cunt. Yes, I believe that is the right word.

Breaking my spell she says:
Oh thank God. Here it is.
 
She holds up one of those Blackberry jobs so that I can also be relieved. …’cause you know I really thought we were all going to die. She then jumps back into her car and takes off.

Now that I have her phone number, what would be the most diabolical way to use it?